Short & Funny 👴

What did the light bulb tell the switch?

You turn me on.

 Why do bears have hairy coats?

Fur protection.

 Do you know the story about the chicken that crossed the border?

Me neither, I couldn’t follow it.

Patron: This bread is stale.

Waiter: It wasn't last week.

 Wooden pegs and hooks are really expensive these days.

They cost an arm and a leg.

 What is a dogs favorite flower?
 Anything in your garden!



Telephone Problems by Ron Number 😊

I used to think the brain was the most important organ. Then I thought, look what’s telling me that.

Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

Son: Daddy im scared what if the

plane goes down.

Dad: Don’t worry son your mum is on board

and she never goes down.

Son: What?

Dad: I mean just play with your iPad.

Police Station toilet stolen.... Cops have nothing to go on.

Husband admiring his body in the mirror

says to wife, "Look at that,

14 stones of pure dynamite!

Wife replies,

"Yeah, shame about the 2 inch fuse ..."


 I didn't say it was your fault,

I said I was blaming you. Big Grin

What is a light year?

The same as a regular

year but with less calories.

I didn't make you quite as intelligent as the woman so here's a little something that will do your thinking for you...

It's Kisseasier to remember your age

if you don't change it every year.

The road to success

is always under construction....


Some people feelCool the rain.

Others just get wet.



A thing not worth doing isn't worth doing well. 👵

Short & Funny

My doctor told me today

I need to watch my drinking.

I now drink in front

of a mirror.

I walked into the gym and see

a bunch of ladies working out,

I ask the guy who is running the gym,

“Sir, what machine should I use to

impress the ladies?”

“Try the ATM ”.

Why is it that good people are always the

ones who get screwed over?

The other day I gave my seat to an old lady

on the bus and then I got fired

from my job as a bus driver.


Do not argue with an idiot.

He will drag you down

to his level and beat

you with experience......Smile


What do you call a troublesome girl

in charge of her tribe?

Little Miss Chief

What doCool you call a bull

that likes taking a nap?

A bulldozer!

Alcohol isWow a perfect solvent:
It dissolves marriages,
families and careers.
Behind every angry woman
is a man who has absolutely
no idea what he did wrong.

There's no future in time travel. 🐙

More Short & Funny

Knock Knock.

Who's there?


Déja who?

Knock knock.

Q. Why do the French like

to eat snails so much?

A. They can’t stand fast food.

Why couldn’t Mrs. Dracula sleep properly?

Because of Dracula’s coffin.

Knock knock....

Who’s there?

Yoda lady.

Yoda lady who?

Good job yodeling!

I’ve been really depressed lately

A friend told me I should go to

the petting zoo perhaps,

to cheer up. I went today but

no one would stroke me

Patient: Where exactly are you

taking me, doctor?

Doctor: To the morgue.

Patient: What? But I’m not dead yet!

Doctor: We’re not there yet.

Knock knock.

Who’s there?

An extraterrestrial.

Extraterrestrial who?

What –

how many extra-terrestrials do you know?

The best time to start thinking about your retirement is before the boss does.

 If I agreed with you

we'd both be wrong.😄


 Why do Bees hum?

They don't remember the text.

Maybe if we start telling

people the brain is an app

they will start using it.

I want to be invited

but I don't want to go.

 Is your name Wi-Fi?

Because I'm feeling a connection.

Time may be a great healer

but it's also a lousy beautician.


Help Wanted: Telepath. You know where to apply.🐧


Q. What’s the worst thing about being lonely?

A. Playing Frisbee.

What goes up and down but never moves?

The stairs!

The inventor of AutoCorrect

is a stupid mass hole.

He can fake right off.

At a psychiatric ward:

“Doctor, what should we do

with the new guy in room 6?

He believes he’s a wolf.”

Doctor whatever you do,

don't let his grandmother visit.

Better to remain silent

and be thought a fool,

than to speak and remove all doubt.


Wisdom doesn't necessarily

come with age.

Sometimes age just shows up

all by itself

What is sticky and brown? 

A stick!

Love is the triumph

of imagination over Wildintelligence.

I bet you I could stop gambling.🐩

More Jokes

Definition of Stalking:

When two people go for a long......

romantic walk together

but only one of them knows about it.

Just had a really big argument

with my wife about going on holiday.

I wanted to go to Paris,

she wanted to come with me.

 What Bee’s produce milk? Boo-bees.

Why can’t elephants go on the beach?

Because they can’t keep there trunks up

Q: What did the bee say to the flower?

A: Hi, honey.

Marriage is a three ring circus  engagement ring, wedding ring and suffering ...