Christmas Jokes ⛄
Why was the
He could see the snowblower
coming down the street.
Why did the Snowman
want a divorce?
Because his wife
was a total flake.
Why does Santa always
land on your roof?
Because he likes it on top.
What Is the best
In the world?
A broken drum/ you can't beat it.
Merry Christmas Everyone 🎁
White Christmas ✳❄
Short Christmas Jokes
is never hungry at Christmas?
The turkey – he’s always stuffed!
Why did the elf push his bed
into the fireplace?
Because he wanted to sleep like a log.
What do you call an elf wearing earmuffs?
Whatever the hell you want.
He can’t hear you.
Is your name Jingle Bells?
Cause you look ready to go all the way.
I Believe In Father Christmas 🎅
Long Christmas Joke
Cop on horse says to little girl on bike,
"Did Santa get you that?"
"Yes," replies the little girl.
"Well tell him to put a reflector light on it
next year!" and fines her $5.
The little girl looks up at
the cop and says,
"Nice horse you've got there,
did Santa bring you that?"
The cop chuckles and replies,
"He sure did!"
"Well," says the little girl,
"Next year tell Santa that
the dick goes under the horse,
not on top of it!"
Mary's Boy Child ❄
What do you get if you cross an apple with a Christmas tree?
A - A pineapple!
What do you give a train driver for Christmas?
A - Platform shoes!
Q - What did the big candle
say to the little candle?
A - I'm going out tonight!
Q - What happens to you at Christmas?
A - Yule be happy!
Q - How long does it take to burn
a candle down?
A - About a wick!
Q - What did the guest sing at the Eskimo's Christmas party?
A - Freeze a jolly fellow!
Q - What party game did Jekyll like best?
A - Hyde and Seek!
What do you call a letter sent up the
chimney on Christmas Eve?
A - Black mail!
Mrs Claus ✳
Winter Wonderland 💝
Medium & Long Christmas Jokes
What do you call a man who claps at Christmas ?
Who's there ?
Snow who ?
Snow business like show business !
Three men die on Christmas Eve and go to heaven,
where they’re metby Saint Peter. “In order to get in,"
he tells them, “you must each produce something
representative of the holidays."
The first man digs into his pockets and pulls out
a match and lights it. “This represents a candle of hope."
Impressed, Peter lets him in.
The second man pulls out a tangle of keys and shakes them.
“These are bells." He’s allowed in too.
“So," Peter says to the third man, “what do you have?"
The third man proudly shows him a pair of red panties.
“What do these have to do with Christmas?" asks Peter.
Who's there ?
Avery who ?
Avery merry Christmas !
Santa drives a rusty car
Press the starter
Press the choke
Off he goes in a cloud of smoke !
Knock Knock! Who's There?
Snow! Snow who?
Snow laughing matter.
Santa went down the Chimney and started putting presents under the tree. He went to leave and noticed the most beautiful red headed women laying there in her naughty nighties, She said santa do you wanna stay and play, He said HO HO HO Gotta go Gotta Go gotta deliver presents to the kids Ho HO. So he went to leave again and She said once more, "Santa dont you want to stay and play" as she took off her nighties and was layin there in a sexxy g-string, He said Ho Ho HO gotta go gotta go gotta deliver presents to the kids dont you know ho ho, So he went to leave one last time and the women said again, "Santa stay and play" and when he turned around she was laying there completely naked, The most beautiful thing in the world spread eagle, He said hey hey hey gotta stay gotta stay, cant go up the chimney with my pecker this way!
What Do You Get When You Eat Tinsel..
What's a snowman's favourite song?
Freeze a Jolly good fellow
What do you call an old snowman?
Silent Night 🎄
Q: How do you know if there's a snowman in your bed?
A: You wake up wet!
What do you call a three-legged reindeer?
do you call a reindeer wearing ear muffs?
Anything you like, as he won't hear you.
A male elf was so paranoid about the size of his willy that he could never work up the courage to have sex. Then one day he fell in love with a elf nurse. One fine evening, they went back to her place. She put on some soft music and led him into the bedroom. Totally mortified, he told her of his problem. "Don't worry," She said. "I'm a nurse. I won't laugh." Blushing the man drops his trousers. "It's OK," she said. "I've seen lots smaller than that." "Really?" the relieved elf asked. She nodded. "Yes," she chuckled, "I used to work in the maternity unit."
Christmas Jokes 🎅
Q: What do you call a gangsta snowman?
Q: What do snowmen eat for breakfast?
A: Frosted Flakes.
Q: What do you get from sitting on the snow too long?
My problem is that I keep stealing things
when I go Christmas shopping.
Can you give me something for it!
Doctor: Try this medicine...
and if it doesn't work
come back and bring me a new video camera.
Santa Claus Is Coming To Town
👀 Jingle Bells
What do you call a kid who doesn't believe in Santa?
A rebel without a Claus.
What do you call an elf who sings?
Why is Santa so jolly?
He knows where all the
naughty girls live.
What did Adam say to his wife on Christmas?
It's Christmas, Eve!
Why does Scrooge love all of the reindeer?
Because every buck is dear to him!
What's the difference between Santa Clause and a knight?
One slays the dragon and the other drags
Why can't you trust baked goods during the holidays?
It might be a minced spy.
Dirty Johnny climbs onto Santa's lap at the department store. Santa says, "I'll bet I know what you want for Christmas." And with his index finger he taps the boy on the nose with every letter he spells, "T-O-Y-S." The little boy answers, "No, I have enough toys." Santa tries again, tapping Johnny's nose with every letter, "C-A-N-D-Y." Again, Johnny says, "No, I have all kinds of candy." "Well, what would you like for Christmas?" Santa asks. Johnny replies, tapping Santa on the nose, "P-U-S-S-Y. And don't tell me you don't have any because I can smell it on your finger!"
Frosty The Snowman.. 👀👀👀
How do Snowmen get around?
They ride an icicle..
What did Santa say to the reindeers on christmas eve?
Remember, Elf and Safety
Christmas Jokes 🎅
What do you call people who are afraid of Santa Claus?
What kind of pine has the sharpest needles?
Why don't penguins fly?
Because they're too short to be pilots!
"Do you ever buy any Christmas Seals?"
"No, I wouldn't know how to feed them."
What is green, covered with tinsel and goes "ribbet ribbet"?
The 3 stages of man:
He believes in Santa Claus.
He doesn't believe in Santa Claus.
He is Santa Claus.
That awkward moment when Santa Claus
has the same wrapping
paper as your parents
I think Santa Claus had an argument
with his wife one night,
he started calling her names;
the neighbours heard him saying ho ho ho.....
How did Mary and Joseph know that Jesus weighed 4.2 kg?
Because they had a weigh in the manger.
How do you know when Santa's in the room?
You can sense his presents.
What will fall on the lawn first?
An autumn leaf or a Christmas catalogue?
What does Santa do with fat elves?
He sends them to an Elf Farm!
What says Oh Oh Oh?
Santa walking backwards!
Who is Santa's favorite singer?