A man inserted an advertisement in the classifieds
section with the heading
"The next day he received a hundred letters saying
"You can have mine. "
"Do you have any batteries? "
a woman asks the hardware store clerk.
"Yes, m'am. " The clerk gestures with his finger.
"Can you come this way? "
"If I could come that way," the woman says,
"I wouldn't need the batteries. "
During an auction of exotic pets,
a woman who had placed a winning bid
told the auctioneer,
"I'm paying a fortune for that parrot.
I hope he talks as well as you say he does.
"I guarantee it, madam,"
replied the auctioneer.
"Who do you think was bidding against you? "
Two rabbits were being chased by a pack of wolves.
The wolves chased the rabbits into a thicket.
After a few minutes,
one rabbit turned to the other and said,
"Well, do you want to make a run for it
or stay here a few days and outnumber them? "
A man called the undertaker
one afternoon and sobbed:
"Come and bury my wife.
"But I buried your wife
ten years ago,"
replied the undertaker.
"I got married again,"
the man sobbed. "Oh,"
said the undertaker.
A man took his wife to the doctors.
After a short examination the doctor said
"Your wife's mind has completely gone! "
To which the man replied
"I'm not surprised.
She's been giving a piece of it to me
every day for the past 25 years! "
"Great, just what I need,"
she moaned as he brought home
a new microwave oven.
"One more thing that heats up
instantly and goes off in twenty seconds. "
A farmer and his girlfriend were out for a walk
in the fields when they came across a cow and a calf
rubbing noses. "Boy," said the farmer,
"that sure makes me want to do the same.
"Well, go ahead," said his girlfriend. "It's your cow. "