A woman goes to her boss and says,
"I want to complain about Perkins.
Every day he walks straight up to me,
buries his nose in my hair,
sniffs deeply and says
'you smell wonderful'"
Her boss says,
"That sounds like a compliment -
whats the problem?"
"But he's only three feet tall."
A lady was picking through
the frozen turkeys at
the grocery store,
but couldn't find one
big enough for her family.
She asked a stock boy,
"Do these turkeys get any bigger?"
The stock boy replied,
"No ma'am, they're dead."
A guy broke into my
appartment last week.
He didn't take the TV
just the remote.
Now he drives by
and changes the channels..
At a jewellery store, a young man bought
an expensive locket as a present for his girlfriend. "Don't you want her name engraved upon it?" asked the jeweller. The young man thought for a moment, and then,
"No, just engrave it: To My One And Only Love. That way, if we break up and she throws it back to me in anger, I can use it again."
A woman walks into a pharmacy and asks the pharmacist for some arsenic. He asks "What for?" She says, "I want to kill my husband." He says "Sorry, I can't do that." She then reaches into her handbag a pulls out a photo of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife and hands it to him. He says, "You didn't tell me you had a prescription..."
A man walks into a bar
with a steering wheel
between his legs
and the barman says,
"You've got a steering wheel
between your legs!"
The man replies,
"I know its driving me nuts!"
Women are like Police.
They can have all the evidence
in the world but they still
want a confession
A man was in a pub when he had
to use the toilet.
He was in there for a while and much yelling
could be heard,
so the barmaid reluctantly went
to check on him.
"Sir, what are you yelling about?
You're scaring the customers."
"Every time I try to flush the toilet
something keeps biting my bollocks!"
"Sir, I suggest you get off the mop bucket."
A cat and a mouse died on the
same day and went up to Heaven.
At the top they met God
and he asked them
'How do you like it so far?'
The mouse replied
'It's great, but can I get
a pair of roller skates?'
God said 'Sure',
and he gave him a pair of roller skates.
The next day God saw the cat
and asked him
'How do you like it up here so far?'
and the cat replied
'Great, I didn't know you had
meals on wheels up here!
"I'll tell you," he said,
"I've learned that
arthritis is the cruelest disease. "
"You bet," the first codger replied,
"It makes every single one
of your joints stiff,
except the right one. "
Maria went home happy,
telling her mother about
how she earned $20 by climbing a tree.
Her mom responded, "Maria,
they just wanted to see your panties!"
Maria replied, "See Mom, I was smart,
I took them off!"
A juggler, driving to his next performance,
is stopped by the police.
"What are these matches and lighter fluid
doing in your car?" asks the cop.
"I'm a juggler and I juggle
flaming torches in my act."
"Oh yeah?" says the doubtful cop.
"Lets see you do it." The juggler gets out
and starts juggling the blazing
A couple driving by slows down to watch. "Wow," says the driver to his wife.
"I'm glad I quit drinking.
Look at the test they're giving now!
I wonder if clouds could ever look
down on us and say
Hey look, that one is shaped like an idiot...
The 75 year old man and his young,
knockout wife were shopping
in an upscale jewelry boutique
when the man's oldest friend
bumped into him.
"How in the hell did YOU land
a wife like that? "
The old man whispered back,
"Easy. I told her I was 90! "
A man inserted an advertisement
in the classifieds
section with the heading
"The next day he received
a hundred letters saying
"You can have mine. "
A woman goes into the local newspaper office to see that the obituary for her recently deceased husband is published. After the editor informs her that the fee for the obituary is 50 cents a word, she pauses, reflects, and then says, "Well, then, let it read 'Fred Brown died'." Confounded at the woman's thrift, the editor stammers that there is a seven word minimum for all obituaries. The woman pauses again, counts on her fingers, and replies, "In that case, 'Fred Brown died; 1983 Pick-up for sale.'"
"Do you have any batteries? "
a woman asks the hardware store clerk.
"Yes, m'am. " The clerk gestures
with his finger.
"Can you come this way? "
"If I could come that way,"
the woman says,
"I wouldn't need the batteries. "
I remember the last thing
my Grandpa said to me
before he kicked the bucket.
"How far can I kick this bucket."
During an auction of exotic pets,
a woman who had placed a winning bid
told the auctioneer,
"I'm paying a fortune for that parrot.
I hope he talks as well as you say he does.
"I guarantee it, madam,"
replied the auctioneer.
"Who do you think was bidding against you? "
Two rabbits were being chased
by a pack of wolves.
The wolves chased the rabbits
into a thicket.
After a few minutes,
one rabbit turned to the other and said,
"Well, do you want to make a run for it
or stay here a few days
and out number them? "
A man called the undertaker one afternoon.
"Come and bury my wife.
"But I buried your wife ten years ago,"
replied the undertaker.
"I got married again,"
the man sobbed.
"Oh," said the undertaker.
A stingy old lawyer was on his deathbed.
He instructed his wife to fill two large
pillowcases with money thinking
he could pick them up on his way to heaven.
Several weeks after his funeral the widow
found two pillowcases full of cash in the attic.
"The old fool," she thought,
"I knew I should have left
them in the basement!"
A man took his wife to the doctors.
After a short examination the doctor said
"Your wife's mind has completely gone! "
To which the man replied
"I'm not surprised.
She's been giving a piece of it to me
every day for the past 25 years!
"Great, just what I need,"
she moaned as he brought home
a new microwave oven.
"One more thing that heats up
instantly and goes off in twenty seconds. "
A farmer and his girlfriend
were out for a walk
in the fields when they came across
a cow and a calf
rubbing noses. "Boy," said the farmer,
"that sure makes me want to do the same.
"Well, go ahead," said his girlfriend.
"It's your cow. "