Did you hear of the story about the tornado? There is a twist at the end.

 My psychologist told me not to keep things bottled up

so I went home and drank all my wine.

 I took a beer bottle to the recycling center,

but they wouldn't take it.

They said:

"This is the pint of no return."

 Just handed in my resignation to quit my job as a psychic.

I just don’t see a future in it.

Whenever I go near a bank, I get withdrawal symptoms.

Plastic surgery: Cutting up all your credit cards.

Why did the horse request to move stables?

He couldn't stand the neigh-bours.

My landlord said he needed to come

talk to me about how high

my heating bill is.

I told him, “My door is always open”.

A good carpenter will do his work and

then varnish without a trace.

"I'm tired of smiling all the time,"

moaned Lisa.

I tried to get a job as a beer taster once,

but in the end, I bottled it.

There's warnings of a new disease

found in soft butter. Apparently it spread very easily.

Did you hear about the X-ray specialist who married one of his patients?

Everybody wondered what he saw in her.

Q - Do you know the difference in sugar and Sweet-n-Low?
A - Sugar is when you kiss her on the lips!

Q - What do you call a mushroom with a 10 inch stem?
A -  A fungi to have around.

Why did Noah build the ark?
Because news of the flood was leaked.

Trolls are always goblin their

food too quickly.

Fairy-nuff, but someone should tell them

it's bad for their elf.

The cannibal's cookbook titled 'How to Better Serve

your Fellow Man' was written

by a guy who had a wife and ate kids.

A dentist was caught having sex with

a young girl.Next day headline,

"Dentist caught filling wrong cavity".

 Deja Moo:

The feeling that you've heard

this bull before.

I saw an ad for burial plots,

and thought to myself

this is the last thing I need.

A termite walks into a bar and says,

"Where is the bar tender?"

 I told my girlfriend she drew her eyebrows too high.She seemed surprised.

 eBay is so useless. I tried to look up lighters and all they had was 13,749 matches.

 I'm reading a book about anti-gravity.

It's impossible to put down.