Longer Jokes

A couple were married, and thirty years later they're in the same hotel, in the same room. She takes off all her clothes, lies back on the bed, and spreads her legs. Her husband starts to cry. She says, "What's the matter? " He says, "Thirty years ago I couldn't wait to eat it. Now it looks like it can't wait to eat me. "

 

 

"I'll tell you," he said, "I've learned that arthritis is the cruelest disease. "  "You bet," the first codger replied, "It makes every single one of your joints stiff, except the right one. "

 

 

A woman came home just in time to find her husband in bed with another woman. With superhuman strength borne of fury, she dragged her husband down the stairs to the garage and put his manhood in a vice. She then secured it tightly and removed the handle. Next she picked up a hacksaw.
The husband terrified, screamed, ‘Stop! Stop! You're not going to cut it off are you?’ The wife, with a gleam of revenge in her eye, said, ‘Nope. You are. I'm going to set the garage on fire.’

 

 

"A cowboy walks in to a bar and says," I want a beer. " So after he drank his beer he was about to leave then he noticed that his horse was gone. He shouted," if i don't get my horse back after this beer i am gonna have to do what i did in Georgia. So he finished his beer and he saw his horse was back so he got on and rode a little, then the bartender asked out the window what did you have in Georgia? i had to walk home."

 

 

A young lady walks into a doctors office... : A young lady walks into a doctors office. "Doctor I'm suffering from a terrible discharge " The Doctor lays her down lifts up her dress and has a good probe around and says "how does that feel? " Young lady, "Oooh doctor that feels lovely....but the discharge is from my ear!! "

 

Two fellas are fishing in a boat under a bridge. One looks up and sees a funeral procession starting across the bridge. He stands up, takes off his cap, and bows his head. The procession crosses the bridge and the man puts on his cap, picks up his rod and reel, and continues fishing. The other guy says, "That was touching. I didn't know you had it in you. " The first guy responds, "Well, I guess it was the thing to do - after all, I was married to her for 40 years. "

 

A father buys a lie detector robot that slaps people when they lie.
He decides to test it out at dinner one night.
The father asks his son what he did that afternoon.
The son says, "I did some homework."
The robot slaps the son.
The son says, "Ok, Ok, I was at a friend's house watching movies."
Dad asks, "What movie did you watch?"
Son says, "Toy Story."
The robot slaps the son.
Son says, "Ok, Ok, we were watching porn."
Dad says, "What? At your age I didn't even know what porn was."
The robot slaps the father.
Mom laughs and says, "Well, he certainly is your son."
The robot slaps the mother.

 

 

 

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson go on a camping trip. After a good dinner, they retire for the night, and go to sleep.
Some hours later, Holmes wakes up and nudges his faithful friend. "Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."

"I see millions and millions of stars, Holmes" exclaims Watson.

"And what do you deduce from that?"

Watson ponders for a minute.

"Well, astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful, and that we are a small and insignificant part of the universe. What does it tell you, Holmes?"

And Holmes said: "Watson, you idiot, it means that somebody stole our tent."

 

 

 

 A man had a party where all the rich people attend.
He had a pool with alligators. So he announced that anyone who will swim across this pool and come out alive will be granted three wishes.
But no one wanted to go for the challenge. All of a sudden, there was a big splash and a man was swimming like a hell and came out alive.
So the host asked, "What are your three wishes?"
The man replied, "Give me the shotgun and bulllets and show me the idiot that pushed me in."

 

 

 

The head nun tells the two new nuns that they have to paint their room without getting any paint on their clothes. So the one nun says to the other, "Hey, let's take all our clothes off, fold them up, and lock the door."
So they do this, and begin painting their room. Soon they hear a knock at the door. They ask, "Who is it?"
"Blind man!"
The nuns look at each other, then one nun says, "He's blind, he can't see. What could it hurt." They let him in.
The blind man walks in and says, "Hey, nice t*ts. Where do you want me to hang the blinds?"

 

 

 

A woman and her husband interrupted their vacation to go to the dentist. "I want a tooth pulled, and I don't want Novacaine because I'm in a big hurry," the woman said. "Just extract the tooth as quickly as possible, and we'll be on our way." The dentist was quite impressed. "You're certainly a courageous woman," he said. "Which tooth is it?" The woman turned to her husband and said, "Show him your tooth, dear."

 

 
 
A young couple are about to go on a holiday. The guy is waiting for his blonde girlfriend at the airport, when she arrives carrying a door. BF: "What are you carrying?!" GF: "You know how burglars break down the front door to get into houses?" BF: "Yeah?" GF: "Well, if I take my front door with me, then burglars can't break the door down, which means they can't get in and take anything." BF: "Ok then. What are you going to do if you lose the door, or if the door breaks?" GF: "I thought of that. I left one of the side windows open so I can get in through there."
 
 
 
 
 


 
 
 
 MORE JOKES
 
 
 
A Martian couple and an Earthling couple have met and are talking about all sorts of things. Finally, the subject of sex comes up. "Just how do you guys do it?" asked the Earthling. "Pretty much the way you do," responded the Martian. Discussion ensues and finally the couples decide to swap partners for the night and experience one another. The female Earthling and the male Martian go off to a bedroom where the Martian strips. He's got only a teeny, weeny member; very short and very narrow. "What can you do with THAT!?" exclaims the woman. "Why?" he asked, "What's the matter?" "Well," she replied, "it's nowhere near long enough. It'll never reach!" "No problem," he said and proceeded to slap his forehead with his palm. With each slap of his forehead, his member grew until it was quite impressively long. "Well," she said. "That's quite impressive, but it's still pretty narrow." "No problem," he said again and started pulling his ears. With each pull his member grew wider and wider until the entire measurement was extremely exciting to the woman. "Wow!" she exclaimed as they fell into bed and made mad, passionate love. The next day the couples rejoined their normal partners and went off together. As they walked along the Earthling male said, "Well, was it any good?" "I hate to say it," she said, "but it was really wonderful. How about you?" "Well," he said, "It was the weirdest thing. She kept slapping me on the forehead and pulling my ears all night."

 
Women Are Like Police..
They Have All The Evidence
In The World
But They Still Want A ConfessionšŸ˜š
 
 
 
 

 I told him,

It was better to love

a short girl then not at allšŸ˜Š

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Husband says; "When I'm gone you'll never find another man like me". Wife replied; "What makes you think I'd want another man like you!"

 

Three Dogs : There were three dogs at the vet talking to each other when one says,"I chewed up all my masters shoes, and that's why I'm here ". The next dog said,"I peed on my masters $1,000 rug ". The next dog then comes in and say's ,"My master is a female and she likes to clean house in the nude, so when she bent over to pick up something, I went for the ride of a life time! ". "And that's why you're here? " asked the other dogs. "No, I'm getting my nails clipped. "

 

 

A man is driving down a deserted stretch of highway, when he notices a sign out of the corner of his eye. It says Sisters of Mercy House of Prostitution 10 Miles. He thinks it was just a figment of his imagination and drives on without a second thought. Soon, he sees another sign which says Sisters of Mercy House of Prostitution 5 Miles and realizes that these signs are for real. When he drives past a third sign saying Sisters of Mercy House of Prostitution Next Right, his curiosity gets the best of him and he pulls into the drive.On the far side of the parking lot is a sombre stone building with a small sign next to the door reading SISTERS OF MERCY. He climbs the steps and rings the bell. The door is answered by a nun in a long black habit who asks "What may we do for you, my son?" He answers "I saw your signs along the highway, and was interested in possibly doing business."

"Very well, my son. Please follow me." He is led through many winding passages and is soon quite disoriented. The nun stops at a closed door, and tells the man "Please knock on this door." He does as he is told and this door is answered by another nun in a long habit and holding a tin cup. This nun instructs "Please place $50 in the cup, then go through the large wooden door at the end of this hallway." He gets $50 out of his wallet and places it in the second nun's cup.He trots eagerly down the hall and slips through the door, pulling it shut behind him. As the door locks behind him, he finds himself back in the parking lot, facing another small sign:Go in Peace, You Have Just Been Screwed by the Sisters of Mercy.