Medium 2 Long Jokes

Two male flies are buzzing around,

cruising for good looking females.

One spots a real cutie sitting on a pile

of cow shit and dives down toward her.

"Pardon me " he asks, turning on his best charm,"

but is this stool taken? "

 

 

Two skunks were being chased by a bear.

As the bear got closer, one of the skunks said

"Whatever shall we do? "

Let us spray! " replied the other."

 

Two cows were talking in the field one day.

First Cow:

Have you heard about the Mad Cow disease

that's going around?

Second Cow:

Yeah, makes you glad you're a penguin, doesn't it?

 

Mary went to the doctor complaining of body odour. "Do you wash? " the doctor asked the smelly young girl. "Oh, yes," Mary answered. "Each morning, I start at my head and wash down as far as possible. Then I start at my feet and I wash up as far as possible. "Well," the doctor concluded, "Go home and wash 'possible'! "

 

A kindly old lady came across a little boy sitting on the pavement crying his eyes out. 'What's the matter?' she asked. 'It's my birthday!' he hollered. 'And I had a bicycle and a new tracksuit and this afternoon there's to be a party with crisps and jelly and a birthday cake and a disco afterwards.. .' and he had to stop talking because he was crying so hard. 'But that's lovely,' said the old lady. 'Why are you crying?' 'Because I'm lost!'                                                                                                                                                                   

 

Who says nothing Is impossible, I've been doing nothing for yearsπŸ˜‰

 

A butler came running into his important master's office. "Sir, sir, there's a ghost in the corridor. What shall I do with him? " Without looking up from his work the master said, "Tell him I can't see him. "

 

I thought, Miss Smith, that you wanted yesterday afternoon off

because you were seeing your dentist?

That's right, Sir.

So how come I saw you coming out of the

movie theatre with a friend?

That was my dentist.

 

Q: What did the Egyptian man say to the Egyptian woman?
A: "Come behind the pyramid, and I'll make you a mummy! 

 A young doctor just out of medical school announced to his wife that he planned to specialize in gynecology. When she asked him why he chose gynecology, he said simply, "There's lots of openings! "

 

While her husband was lying down, his wife removed his glasses. "You know, honey," she said sweetly, "Without your glasses you look like the same handsome young man I married. " "Honey," he replied with a grin, "Without my glasses, you still look pretty good too! "

 

Why is horse racing so romantic?
Because the horse hugs the rails, the jockey puts his arms around the horse and you can kiss your money goodbye!

 

Husband: Let's go out and have some fun tonight. Wife: Okay, but if you get home before I do, leave the hallway light on.

 

 

 

 

When you are young, you want to be the master of your fate and the captain of your soul. When you are older, you will settle for being the master of your weight and the captain of your bowling team.

 

 

First soldier:

"Pass me the chocolate pudding, would you?

"Second soldier:

"No way, Jose!

"First soldier: "Why ever not?

"Second soldier:

"It's against regulations to help another soldier to dessert! "

 

 

A man was in court charged with parking his car in a restricted area. The judge asked if he had anything to say in his defense. "They shouldn't put up such misleading notices," said the man. "It said FINE FOR PARKING HERE."

 

 

An angry wife was complaining about her husband spending so much time at the pub, so one night he took her along."What'll ya have? " he asked."Oh, I don't know. The same as you, I suppose," she replied.
So the husband ordered a couple of Jack Daniel's and threw his down in one gulp.
His wife watched him, then took a sip from her glass and immediately spit it out. "Yuck, that's nasty poison! " she spluttered. "I don't know how you can drink this stuff! "Well, there you go," cried the husband. "And you think I'm out enjoying myself every night! "

 

 

Wife to Husband: I'll have you know I've got the face of a teenager!
Husband to Wife: Then you should give it back, you're wearing it out.

 

 

Stranded for several months on a small desert island in the middle of the Pacific Ocean one day noticed a bottle lying in the sand with a piece of paper in it.
Rushing to the bottle, he pulled out the cork and with shaking hands withdrew the message. "Due to lack of maintenance," he read, "we regretfully have found it necessary to cancel your e-mail account. "

 

 

A couple of pigeons made a date to meet on the ledge outside the tenth floor of a skyscraper. The female was there on time, but the male arrived an hour late. "Where were you? I was worried sick. "It was such nice day, I decided to walk. "

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

You Can't Face The Problem If The Problem Is Your Face πŸ˜‰

 

 

 

 

A man took his dog to the vets and asked the vet to completely remove the dogs tail. The vet confused said "Why do you want me to do that? the dogs tail is perfectly healthy. " The man replied "Well the wives mother comes this weekend and I want to make sure there are no signs of any welcome!! "

 

Three old ladies went for a walk in the park, they were suddenly approached by a man who flashed at them, two of them had a stroke - the third wasn't quick enough..

 

A man goes into a drug store and asks the pharmacist if he can give him something for the hiccups. The pharmacist promptly reaches out and slaps the man's face. "What the heck did you do that for!?! " the man screams. "Well, you don't have the hiccups anymore do you? " The man says, "No I don't, you IDIOT... But my wife out in the car still does! "

 

This morning I felt that today was going to be my lucky day. I got up at seven, had seven dollars in my pocket, there were seven of us at lunch and there were seven horses in the seven o'clock race - so I backed the seventh.
Did it win?
No, it came seventh.

 

 

 

Painful Thought..

Someone Somewhere Is Flirting With My Future Wife..😞

 

 

 

                                                                               

 

 
                 

 If Women Could Read Minds..

Every Second Man Would Get Slapped.. 😁

 

 

 

 

On their honeymoon night, the burly groom took off his pants and asked his bride to put them on. The waist alone was twice her body. She said, "I can't wear your pants. " "That's right," intoned the groom, "And don't you forget it. I'm the one who wears the pants in the family. " The bride took off her panties and said "you put them on" The husband said "I can't fit into them" "That's right, said the wife and you won't be getting into any of my panties if you behave like that with me."

 

One man killed his wife at first night;

police came the next day.     

Police: Why you killed your wife last night.

Man: Yes, I killed when I saw something written on her panty,

100 Soft & Silky, Tested by BASHEER & SONS.

 

 

Hello!  I want to do insurance for my breasts only                   

Officer: 

Sorry!  Madam, we do insurance for only private property not the public property.

 

 

A newlywed told her mother her husband was a virgin. How? said her mother. When we made love his Dick was still in a plastic cover.

 

 

A woman goes into a store and asks for extra large condoms.
Yes do you want to buy some. I'll hang around until someone does

 

 

 

 

 

 

A woman calls her husband into the bedroom. "Now Mike, I want you to take off my blouse!"

"Good.."

"Now I also want you to take off my Bra."

"Good..."

"Now can you take off my panties."

"Very Good!"

Now don't wear my clothes again!

 

 

I wanted to grow a banana tree in England, but my friend said I might have trouble with the climate. So I told him: "I don't want to climb it; I just want to grow it."

 

 

 

A husband and wife had to view the body of the mother-in-law. He started to cry and the wife shouted you never liked her. I know he replied i thought she moved!

 

 

A friend had signed up on an online dating site, i asked if he had any luck but he had to quit because they had matched him up with his wife

 

 

A drunk stumbles into a confessional. The priest hears him come in, but then he doesn't hear anything, so the priest knocks on the wall. The drunk says, "Forget it, buddy, there's no paper in this one, either! "

 

 

The doctor came out of the operating room to talk with the man's wife. "I don't like the looks of your husband," he said. "Neither do I," said the wife, "but he's not home much, and he's great with the kids. "

 

 

A husband was stung by a bee on his penis. It became swollen. His wife prayed all night that the pain would go but leave the size as it is.

 

 

A man went to the police station wanting to speak to the burglar that had broken in the night before. You'll get your chance in court. I just wondered how he never woke my wife.

 

 

Woman to friend.. I was in a very generous mood, i gave a beggar £25. That's allot what did your husband say.. He said thankyou.

 

 

The old lady told the pilot she had never flown before. All i can say said the pilot. I've never left anyone up there yet.

 

Two guys were discussing popular family trends on sex, marriage, and values. Stu said, 'I didn't sleep with my wife before we got married, did you? 'Leroy replied, 'I'm not sure, What was her maiden name?'

 

A guy goes into a bar, orders twelve shots and starts drinking them as fast as he can. The bartender says, "Dang, why are you drinking so fast? " The guy says, "You would be drinking fast if you had what I had. " The bartender says, "What do you have? " The guy says, "75 cents. "

 

Five year old Johnny and his little sister are peeping through a keyhole at their parents making love: "Wow, look at them! And we are not allowed even to stick a finger in our nose"!

 

 

A woman reported the disappearance of her husband to the police. The officer looked at the guy's photograph, questioned her, and then asked if she wanted to give her husband any message if they found him. 'Yes, please' she replied. 'Tell him Mother didn't come after all.'

 

 

As soon as the dentist asked the patient to sit down, he pulled out his wallet. Seeing this the dentist said, "Please don't, you don't need to pay me now ". The patient answered: "Pay you! I just want to count my money before I'm unconscious! "

 

 

Women asked man who is traveling with six children,

all these kids are yours? No, I work in a condom factory & these

are customer complaints.

 

 

A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West.

He slides up to the bar and announces:  "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."

 

 

"Got anything to eat, lady?" asked the tramp.
"Do you mind eating last week's leftovers?"
"Not at all."
"Good. Come back next week then"

 

 

Husband asks , Do you know the meaning of WIFE??
Without Information Fighting Everytime
Wife replies,
With Idiot For Ever !

 

 

I wanted to grow a banana tree in England, but my friend said I might have trouble with the climate. So I told him"I don't want to climb it; I just want to grow it."

 

 

Two elderly ladies meet at the launderette after not seeing one another for some time. After inquiring about each other's health one asked how the other's husband was doing. "Oh! Ted died last week. He went out to the garden to dig up a cabbage for dinner, had a heart attack and dropped down dead right there in the middle of the vegetable patch! "Oh dear! I'm very sorry. " replied her friend "What did you do? "Opened a can of peas instead! "

 

 

The new nun goes to her first confession. She tells the priest that she has a terrible secret and he tells her that her secret is safe in the sanctity of the confessional. She says, "Father, I never wear panties under my habit. "The priest chuckles and says, "That's not so serious. Say five Hail Marys, five Our Fathers, and do six cartwheels on your way to the altar. "

 

 

 

Walking can add minutes to your life. This enables you, at 85 years old, to spend an additional ........

5 months in a nursing home at $7000 per month.

 

 

The policeman pulls over a car onto the side of the road and walks

over to the driver.

"Do you realise you've got two snakes attached to the front of your car?" he asks.

"It's all right," replies the driver,

"they're just my windscreen vipers."

 

 

Three old guys are out walking.
First one says, 'Windy, isn't it?'
Second one says, 'No, it's Thursday!'
Third one says, 'So am I. Let's go get a beer.'

 

 

A guy walks into a bar and sees steaks hanging from the ceiling. He asks the bartender about the steaks and he tells him that if he can hit 1 of the steaks he would get free drinks for the night. "But if you fail" the bar tender said "You'll be buy'n drinks for everyone for the rest of the hour." "Nah i'm good" said the man "I think the steaks are too high"