When you are young, you want to be the master of your fate and the captain of your soul. When you are older, you will settle for being the master of your weight and the captain
of your bowling team.
"Pass me the chocolate pudding, would you?
"No way, Jose!
"First soldier: "Why ever not?
against regulations to help another soldier to dessert! "
A man was in court charged with parking his car in a restricted area. The judge asked if he had anything to
say in his defense. "They shouldn't put up such misleading notices," said the man."It said...
FINE FOR PARKING HERE."
An angry wife was complaining about her husband spending so much time at the pub, so one night he took her along."What'll ya have? " he asked."Oh, I don't know. The same as you, I suppose," she replied.
So the husband ordered a couple of Jack Daniel's and threw his down in one gulp.
His wife watched him,
then took a sip from her glass and immediately spit it out. "Yuck, that's nasty poison! " she spluttered. "I don't know how you can drink this stuff! "Well, there you go," cried the husband. "And you think I'm out enjoying myself every night! "
Wife to Husband: I'll have you know I've got the face of a teenager!
Husband to Wife: Then you
should give it back, you're wearing it out.
Stranded for several months on a small desert island in the middle of the Pacific Ocean one day noticed a bottle lying
in the sand with a piece of paper in it.
Rushing to the bottle, he pulled out the cork and with shaking hands withdrew the message. "Due to lack of maintenance," he read, "we
regretfully have found it necessary to cancel your e-mail account. "
During an Army war game, a commanding officer's jeep got stuck
in the mud.
The C.O. saw some men lounging around nearby and asked them to help him get unstuck. "Sorry sir," said one of the loafers,
"but we've been classified dead and the umpire said we couldn't contribute in any way." The C.O. turned to his driver and said,
drag a couple of those dead bodies over here and throw them under the wheels to give us some traction."
A woman in her 90's is distraught
after the death of her warm, caring, faithful husband of seventy years. She can't live without him and decides that the best way to do herself in is to stab herself in her pitifully broken heart. Still, she doesn't want to linger so she calls a doctor to find
out exactly where the heart is. He tells her to put her first two fingers together, hold them horizontally and place the tip of the first finger just below her left nipple. The heart, he says, is immediately below the first knuckle on her second finger. Later
that day, the doctor is called to the emergency room to put fourteen stitches in the elderly woman's left thigh.
I forgot my cell phone when
I went to the toilet yesterday.
We have 245 tiles.