Q: How many letters are there in the alphabet?
A: Twenty-four, because E. T. went home.
What do you call a woodpecker without a beak?
How should you treat a baby goat?
Like a kid.
Why do dogs turn around
three times before lying down?
One good turn deserves another.
A fish walks into a bar, the bartender asks,
"What would you like? "
the fish says holding his neck,
Doctor, Doctor I snore so loud I keep myself awake.
Sleep in another room then!
What happened when the monster
stole a bottle of perfume?
He was convicted of fragrancy.
What's a skunk's philosophy of
Eat, stink and be merry!
Customer: Why is this sandwich half eaten?
Waiter: I didn't have time to finish it.
Teacher: What family does the octopus belong to?
Pupil: Nobody I know!
Why did the computer act crazy?
It had a screw loose.
What do you call a ghost who only haunts the Town Hall?
Doctor my husband smells like fish
Waiter, there is a cockroach on my steak!
They don't seem to care what they eat do they sir!
What do you do with a bachelor who thinks he's God's gift?
What did the cat say when he lost all his money?
Miss Dia Rhea 😒
Mona Little 😏
Mona Lott 😡
Justin Case 😃
Policeman: How can you drive so recklessly?
Driver: I have to, this is a getaway car.
Waiter, there is a dead fly in my soup!
No its not, it's a piece of dirt that looks like one!
Farmer: What would you do if a bull charged you?
Mary: I'd pay whatever it charged.
What do you get if you cross a cow with a spaniel,
a poodle, and a rooster?
Anna Conda 😊
What happened to the entertainer who did a show for the cannibals?
He went down really well!
At what time of day was Adam born?
Just before Eve.
Why do people leave letters at the football ground?
They want to catch the last goal-post!
Why is a bride always out of luck on her wedding day?
Because she never marries the best man.
Q. Did you hear about the guy who finally figured out women?
A. He died laughing before he could tell anybody.
I walked into a bar the other day and ordered a double.
The bartender brought out a guy who looked just like me.
Mrs Bea Sting 😊
Waiter, there is a fly in my soup!
Yes sir, thats the manager, the last customer was a witch doctor!
A patient phoned the doctors office. I'm on this medication for the rest of my life so why does it say ..No ..Refills
Police chief. As a recruit what would you do if you had to arrest
your mother? I would Call for backup.
What is the definition of Mistress?
Someone between the Mister and Mattress
Doctor: We operated on your eyes and we've managed to save one of them.
Patient: Oh, thank you very much. Doctor: Yes, we'll give it to you on your way out.
A man went to the store to buy some condoms. That's 1 dollar 15 plus tax. I don't need tacks it will stay up all by itself.
The old lady told the pilot she had never flown before. All i can say said the pilot. I've never left anyone up there yet.
Did you hear about the shepherd who drove his flock through town
and got a traffic ticket for making a ewe turn.
Why was philips girlfriend disappointed? She found out that phillips 24inch was a television
75 yr old man got married to a 15 yr girl.
On their first night both were crying - Why?
Reason - Because she didn't know anything
and he had forgotten everything..!
Did you hear about the girl
who was so keen on road safety
that she always wore white at night?
Last Winter she was knocked down by a snow plough.
A great scientist developed a bra that stops womens boobs from bouncing while running. His colleagues have killed him.
Warning to shoplifters.. Anyone caught will be beaten, gagged,whipped and tortured. Any survivors will be prosecuted..
How do you make a car go backwards without touching it...
Q. Why do black widow spiders kill their males after mating?
A. To stop the snoring before it starts.
I got pulled over by a traffic cop. He walked up to my window and said, “Papers.”
I said, “Scissors, I win…” and I drove off.
He must be desperate for a re-match because he’s been chasing me for ages.
Q: Whats big, red, and looks like a bucket?
A: A big, red bucket.
Q. What's the difference between an aerobics instructor and a dentist?
A. A dentist lets you sit down while he hurts you.
Q:Why do people become bakers?
A:Because they knead the dough!
Q. What do tight pants and a cheap motel have in common?
A. No ball room
A Few More
Why is it a bad idea to insult an octopus?
Because it is well armed.
You know that tingly feeling you get when you like someone?
That’s common sense leaving your body.
A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied, "I know you can't - I've cut off your arms!"
What is the difference between your first honeymoon and your second? The first: Niagara; the second: Viagra.
At a nudist wedding, you don't have to ask - you can see who the best man is.
"Patience" is a naked woman lying down with her legs apart under a banana tree
Q. What do you call an alligator who wears a vest? An investigator.
The other day my girlfriend told me to take the spider out instead of killing it.
So we went out and had some drinks. He’s a cool guy, wants to become a web developer.
Just named my dog ‘Tenmiles’ so now I can say
I walk ten miles every day.
What has four legs and says boo?
A cow with a cold.