Q: How many letters are
there in the alphabet?
A: Twenty-four, because E. T. went home
What do you call a woodpecker
without a beak?
How should you
a baby goat?
Like a kid.
You Can't face the problem
the problem is your face
dogs turn around
three times before lying down?
One good turn deserves another.
A fish walks into a bar, the bartender asks,
"What would you like? "
the fish says holding his neck,
Doctor I snore so loud I keep myself awake.
in another room then!
I whispered to my WI-FI signal
What happened when the monster
stole a bottle of perfume?
He was convicted of fragrancy.
What's a skunk's philosophy of life?
and be merry!
Customer: Why is this sandwich half eaten?
Waiter: I didn't have time to finish it.
What family does the octopus belong to?
Pupil: Nobody I know!
Why did the computer act crazy?
It had a screw loose.
What do you call a ghost who
only haunts the Town Hall?
Doctor my husband smells like fish
Waiter, there is a cockroach on my steak!
They don't seem to care what
they eat do they sir!
What do you do with a bachelor
who thinks he's God's gift?
did the cat say when he
lost all his money?
Sometimes I put my phone down
and do things with 2 hands,
like in the olden days
What would you do if a bull
I'd pay whatever it charged.
What do you get if you cross
a cow with a spaniel,
a poodle, and a rooster?
What happened to the entertainer
who did a show for the cannibals?
down really well!
At what time of day was Adam born?
Just before Eve.
Why do people leave letters
at the football ground?
They want to catch the
Why is a bride always out of luck
on her wedding day?
Because she never marries the best man.
Q. Did you hear about the guy
who finally figured out women?
A. He died laughing before
he could tell anybody.
I walked into a bar the other day
and ordered a double.
The bartender brought out a guy who looked just like me.
Waiter, there is a fly in my soup!
Yes sir, thats the manager,
last customer was a witch doctor!
A patient phoned the doctors office. I'm on this medication for the rest of my life so why does it say ..No ..Refills
Police chief. As a recruit what would
you do if you had to arrest your mother?
I would Call for backup.
What is the definition of Mistress?
Someone between the Mister and Mattress
We operated on your eyes and we've managed
to save one of them.
Oh, thank you very much. Doctor:
Yes, we'll give it to you on your way out.
man went to the store
to buy some condoms.
That's 1 dollar 15 plus tax.
I don't need tacks it will
stay up all by itself.
The old lady told the pilot she had never
flown before. All i can say said the pilot.
I've never left anyone up there yet.
Did you hear about the shepherd
who drove his flock through town
and got a traffic ticket for
a ewe turn.
Why was philips girlfriend disappointed?
She found out that phillips
was a television
75 yr old man got married to a 15 yr girl.
On their first night both were crying - Why?
Reason - Because she didn't know anything
and he had forgotten everything..!
Did you hear about the girl
who was so keen on road safety
that she always wore white at night?
Last Winter she was knocked down
by a snow plough.
great scientist developed a bra that stops womens boobs from bouncing while running. His colleagues have killed him.
Warning to shoplifters.. Anyone caught will
be beaten, gagged,whipped and tortured.
Any survivors will be prosecuted..
How do you make a car go backwards
without touching it...
Q. Why do black widow spiders kill their males after mating?
A. To stop the snoring before it starts.
I got pulled over by a traffic cop.
He walked up to my window and said,
“Papers.” I said, “Scissors,
I win…” and I drove off.
He must be desperate
for a re-match because
he’s been chasing me for ages.
My aunt died, God bless her,
a ripe old age of 104.
We called her Aunt Tique
I’m writing a book about
Q: What kind of aftershave do genetic scientists
A: Eau de clone.
My midget friend got thrown out of the nudist
colony because he kept getting in everyone's hair.
Getting married is like
buying a dishwasher.
You'll never have
to do it by hand again.
Q: What's the difference between
a banjo and an onion?
A: Nobody cries when you
chop up a banjo
Q. What's the difference
medium and rare?
A. 6 inches is medium, 8 inches is rare.
Q: Whats big, red, and looks like a bucket?
A: A big, red bucket.
Q. What's the difference between an aerobics instructor and a dentist?
A. A dentist lets you sit down
while he hurts you.
Q:Why do people become bakers?
A:Because they knead the dough!
Q. What do tight pants and a cheap motel have in common?
A. No ball room
What’s a horny pirate’s worst nightmare?
A sunken chest with no booty.
What did the cow say to the other cow?
because they cant talk
What dog can't bark?
A hot dog.
Research shows that 90% of men don't know
how to use a condom,
these people are called Dads
Why is it a bad idea to insult an
Because it is well armed!
You know that tingly feeling
you get when you like someone?
That’s common sense leaving your body.
A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied, "I know you can't - I've cut off your arms!"
What is the difference between
your first honeymoon and your second?
The first: Niagara; the second: Viagra.
At a nudist wedding, you don't have to ask -
you can see who the best man is
"Patience" is a naked woman lying down with her legs apart under
a banana tre
Q. What do you call an alligator
who wears a vest?
The other day my girlfriend told me to take the spider out instead of killing it. So we went out and had some drinks. He’s a cool guy, wants to become a web developer.
Just named my dog ‘Tenmiles’
so now I can say
I walk ten miles every day.
What has four legs and says boo?
A cow with a cold.
What do you call a person
that is happy on a monday?