Short Jokes

How do you make a car go backwards without touching it...

Reverse psychology.

 

Q. Why do black widow spiders kill their males after mating?
A. To stop the snoring before it starts.

 

I got pulled over by a traffic cop. He walked up to my window and said, “Papers.”

I said, “Scissors, I win…” and I drove off.

He must be desperate for a re-match because he’s been chasing me for ages.

 

 

My aunt died, God bless her, at a ripe old age of 104. We called her Aunt Tique

 

I’m writing a book about WD-40. It’s non-friction.

 

Q: What kind of aftershave do genetic scientists wear?
A: Eau de clone.

 

My midget friend got thrown out of the nudist colony because he kept getting in

everyone's hair.

 

Getting married is like buying a dishwasher.

You'll never have to do it by hand again.

 

 

Q: What's the difference between a banjo and an onion?
A: Nobody cries when you chop up a banjo

 

Q. What's the difference between medium and rare?
A. 6 inches is medium, 8 inches is rare.

 

Q: Whats big, red, and looks like a bucket?
A: A big, red bucket.

Q. What's the difference between an aerobics instructor and a dentist?
A. A dentist lets you sit down while he hurts you.

Q:Why do people become bakers?
A:Because they knead the dough!

 

Q. What do tight pants and a cheap motel have in common?
A. No ball room

 

What’s a horny pirate’s worst nightmare?
A sunken chest with no booty.

 

What did the cow say to the other cow?
Nothing because they cant talk.

 

What dog can't bark?
A hot dog.

 

Research shows that 90% of men don't know how to use condom, these people are called Dads.

 

More Short Jokes

Anton, do you think I’m a bad mother?
My name is Peter

 

In a boomerang shop: "I'd like to buy a new boomerang please. Also, can you tell me how to throw the old one away?"

 

Patient: Oh doctor, I’m just so nervous. This is my first operation.
Doctor: Don't worry. Mine too.

 
A naked women robbed a bank. Nobody could remember her face.
 
 
Why is women’s soccer so rare?
It’s quite hard to find enough women willing to wear the same outfit.
 

A woman in a bikini reveals about 90% of her body.... and yet most men are so polite they only look at the covered parts.
 
 
They threw me out of the cinema today for bringing my own food. But the prices are way too high and I haven’t had a barbecue in months.  
 

What is dangerous?
Sneezing while having diarrhea!
 
 
A wife is like a hand grenade. Take off the ring and say good bye to your house.
 

Why don‘t cannibals eat divorced women?
Because they’re bitter.
 
 
Patient asks his doctor: “Can I take a bath with diarrhea?”
Doctor: “Yes, if you are able to fill it up. “
 
 
What would happen if you threw blue sneakers into the Red Sea?
They would get wet.

 

 



A Few More

Why is it a bad idea to insult an octopus?

Because it is well armed.

 

You know that tingly feeling you get when you like someone?

That’s common sense leaving your body.

 

 

A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied, "I know you can't - I've cut off your arms!"

 

 

What is the difference between your first honeymoon and your second? The first: Niagara; the second: Viagra.

 

 

At a nudist wedding, you don't have to ask - you can see who the best man is.

 

 

"Patience" is a naked woman lying down with her legs apart under a banana tree

 

 

 

Q. What do you call an alligator who wears a vest? An investigator.

 

 

The other day my girlfriend told me to take the spider out instead of killing it.
So we went out and had some drinks. He’s a cool guy, wants to become a web developer.

 

 

Just named my dog ‘Tenmiles’ so now I can say I walk ten miles every day.

 

 

What has four legs and says boo?
A cow with a cold.